Tellying The News
Breaking news - half an hour before we came on air we received a press release. As soon as we read it and find out why it was timed just right we will give you an update.
In a new development, we are crossing live to Name-that-means-nothing.
Over to you Name-that-means-nothing.
Thank you Who-cares-which-talking-head-you-are. We thought we would show you some actual news on this segment, but here is someone walking past, we will talk to them. What do you think about what happened?
Not much really, I was just minding my own business but then I thought hey, here’s a chance to be on telly, and the camera never finds me when I’m in a sports crowd.
Ok.
Go home and watch. We need the ratings.
This has been a proper item and not one of those teasers where we try and suck you into sitting through another umpteen commercials before we say anything worthwhile. But it can’t really have been all that important because they didn’t send out someone from the studio for a different camera angle and to say what their name was as well.
Back to you Who-cares-which-talking-head-you-are.
Thank you Name-that-means-nothing. Here’s a little in-joke, with a snigger for effect.
You’ll need to watch this next item carefully because it will be hard to tell what is new footage and what we are showing from our archive. If any viewers have captured anything on your camera please send it in, it means we can save money and use our budget on flashing up our studio again. Isn’t make-up and botox getting expensive these days.
This one will be obvious. Even though we practiced filming the walking in and sitting down and pretending to read something before they answer our questions thing so it would look like something they did all the time, we all know the cameraman didn’t just manage to sneak in and be ready for when they came back from morning tea - and wasn’t noticed.
To business news, I’ll start with the question we pre-planned to make me look like I know all about what is going on, then we can show the charts that look important even though nothing much significant happened today. If it was important we would have told you earlier. This is about business, remember, so don’t forget who our sponsor is. The dollar moved slightly in various directions against different currencies that were also fluctuating. I guess a few share prices did change a bit, surely that is worth making something of. Telecom plummeted a cent. If you are actually interested in this stuff maybe you should try nzx.com.
In celebrity news (we celebrities always wish it will be us in the spotlight), a strange turn of events, we don’t have any items on hand about Michael Jackson, Elvis, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or that jazz punk from England, maybe she is away in rehab again. There’s not even anything on that Lindsay someone who we like to gossip about at the moment? Ah well, we’ll have another chat and joke amongst ourselves. And remind you of our names again. We may look much the same as the other lot and show you the same things but we have different names.
There was some weather happening. And today is the fashion one, the joky bloke will be back tomorrow. If it’s winter there will be some snow somewhere (if there was any on a road we will have shown it earlier in the news), if it’s summer there will at least be sun above the clouds, and if it’s Auckland there’s sure to be a shower. As we zoom up and down the country you will drift off and miss your town (unless you’re in the Chathams) but too bad, especially if you won the temperature competition.
In other news, the irony wasn’t noticed that as the news delivery market continues to get more and more competitive there is less and less substance.
Is this line a joke or is it serious?
